|For Immediate Release||–||Office of the Press Secretary||–||June 22, 2006||–||5:03 P.M. (EST)|
WORLD CUP 2006: PRESIDENT’S STATEMENT ON AMERICA’S ELIMINATION FROM THAT BORING “KICKBALL FOR EUROFAGS” THING
THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. Please be seated. I’ve just been briefed on a developing situation in Germany, where I’m told millions of America-haters from across the planet are celebrating the fact that U.S. athletes just got their asses handed to them by a bunch of dudes from Ghanastan – in something called the “World Cup.” And while I still don’t understand what foreign athletes were doing challenging Americans in a “World” anything, I wanted to take a minute to shore up the fragile, eggshell-thin egos of America’s team sports fanatics.
Now obviously, I’m a real big sports fan myself. 60% of the country wouldn’t wanna shotgun a brew with me if I wasn’t. I owned the Texas Rangers way back when, and it was there that I warmed up my divinely inspired MBA-Presidenting skills: trading Sammy Sosa just before his near record home run season, regularly plunging Jose Conseco’s hunky bubble butt with needles full of steroids, and speaking in Mexicanese with the cut-rate illegal grounds crew from south of the Rio Grande.
I also love football, too. Real Man Football, with pads and helmets and giant pile-ups of sweaty, grunting dudes in skin-tight lycra knickers. Yes, whether it’s doing the coin toss at the Army/Navy game, or just kicking back in the White House residence with a big bowl of Mr. Salty pretzels and a pitcher of (shhhhhhh!) Cuervoritas, I’ve got me a real big love for all the great American sports, which are sublime contests of grotesque, ultra-violent action, all sliced into bite-sized chunks that can be wrapped in thunderous advertisements.
But as for this “soccer” stuff, well, I won’t be convinced that a sport invented in the olden days by some sheep-humping Frenglishman kicking around an old boot can hold a candle to our brand of athletics, which is all about cheating fair and square. I mean, soccer doesn’t got any loud, blaring Jumbotrons; everybody is busy running around not scoring, and man oh man, those knee-high socks are for total cocktards. So as far as I care, all them countries getting a self-esteem boost by beating the US can go ahead and get their mangled Frenglishman toothers all tangled up in my poohole hair, y’hear?
And as for the third world: you might be good at soccer, but how about you have a go at playing my favorite international tournament: THE WORLD CUP OF THE BIGGEST, MOST EXPENSIVE MILITARY IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD. Wonder who wins THAT, fuckers.
I mean, there’s a reason that Americans 12 years old and up have been dismissing soccer as a weird, kind of embarrassing non-sport for years, which is why today I’ve decided to go ahead and make it official:
NOW, THEREFORE, I, GEORGE W. BUSH, President of the United States of America, on this day, June 22, of the year of America’s Lord and Savior Jesus H. Christ, 2006, do hereby declare soccer to be nothing more than “KICKBALL FOR EUROFAGS”, to henceforth no longer be recognized by any American citizen other than minivan-driving, brat-toting “security moms” who vote party-line GOP for fear of being gang-raped by A-rabs. Furthermore, I do formally expunge the last two weeks of soccer from sports history, especially as pertains to America’s humiliating failure to totally kick foreigner ass in any events involving the “World Cup,” “the Czech Republic,” and/or “Ghana.”
Finally, should a World Cup referee who, during the Italy v. U.S. game, unjustly issued two red cards in obvious criticism of American foreign policy, be found dead by heart attack or point blank bullet wound from a Secret Service issue Glock 9, it will be deemed accidental and no further investigations shall commence.
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