I’ve had sleepless nights. The ones where your palms are facing upwards and your watching the ceiling via the moonlight seeping in through the window. The type of nights where you wonder if your normal and if this life is normal, or if your just a glitch in the system and doing everything wrong. Those nights where the whole ‘WHAT am I supposed to do with the rest of my life??’ phrase is floating around my frontal lobe in metallic pink ribbon.
Since last September I have attempted my freelance career, and although it pays the bills, I don’t feel that my time has been properly consumed. I need more projects, I need to be busier. I think of my future, the car I will need to have, the fruit trees in a garden, the downpayment on a house- and I look around and wonder how I am going to fill my salary here in Jerusalem.
I’ve been a bit bummed as of late. I am convinced it’s the changing of the seasons, my soul is being stirred and I long for a dream where I can converse with my father, or a quick hello from Tsiki. They don’t come anymore, my dad dropped in after my engagement for a quick tea and that’s about it. I think Tsiki is busy with heavenly basketball tournaments. Maybe he met my friend Christy up there. Do Jewish souls and the non-Jewish souls converse? Tsiki, tell Chris I still have her cd.
When I was a child, I would wake up crying at the thought of having to grow up and leave my family home. When I was growing up, I longed for my own life and my own future. As an adult, I am beginning to realize where I don’t belong career wise and that I’m ok with having my own home. I just wish that perfect position would open itself up to me so I can grab it and embark on the next chapter. In Jerusalem.
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