My brain has been on high gear for many days now. One would think after living in a small Thai town by myself for 17 months, I would know loneliness, or that of all my losses and moves throughout this globe, that I would know how to say goodbye, but I still stumble. There is a hint of fragility that I try to numb.
Sometimes when I have a good yawn. My heart flutters.
Oh how my second Rosh Hashana in this country is so different from the first! How one year can do so much and yet feel like it has already started the same way as the last one. I spent Rosh Hashana in Ranaana with Channah Bananna and her famma, we had lots fooda and I went to shul-eh and my belly was constantly full-ah.
Being around families made me miss mine all the more. But if I had to say something I noticed about my last year, i’d say something about the way my Judaism has progressed: Last year I was introduced to Hebrew, never even knew what “Mein-ya-nim” was, Shalom to me was what I read on the plaques on friends doors but it never resonated with me. With time I started going to Synagogue and it gave me a knot the size of an avocado in my stomach and this year, I spent Rosh Hashana following along and getting lost in the prayers and finding my way back into them and flipping pages and getting lost and getting back into them and I loved it deeply.
I spent all last year praying for strength. With every breath I had, I hoped to keep my chin up and make everything beautiful and most people would say I did. But this year I want something different. I want a little luck. With that thought, I marched over to the lotto stand (it was the 25 million shekel jackpot last night) and let my hand guide me. I figured all the chances of what had happened in my life and my aching heart- well, I figured I had the light of lady luck on my fingertips and I would never know until I tried.
I didn’t win the jackpot.
I figured G-d was rolling his eyes at me and wondering if i’ll ever learn. Probably not, but i’ll work hard this year. Just like that last and know i’m doing everything I can to maintain authenticity and become that better person. My brother just wrote to me: “Susi, we taste wine when others are drinking the diet coke of life’s philosophies.” .. that’s beautifu. The thoughts in my head that are bouncing back and forth and my trials may not be healthy right now. But i’m really into the philosophy of life and you can only create effective philosphies when you effectively live life. And I know that’s what i’m doing. I just wanted to be able to hide in someones arms when it sometimes gets scary.
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