I walk very slowly concentrating on the bags of groceries i am carrying. There are eggshells all around me and I fear if I make my presence known- the fragile ball of sadness in the center of my body will break open and infect my insides.I am secretly searching for kind people- those who might know how to keep the ball of sadness contained. I think of cotton sheets and fluffy beds and soft sunlight and soft pillows. I imagine soft kisses from conditioned lips and the smell of Nivea Soft on our skin.
Depression is a state of mind don’t like to accept. I prefer the term deflated. Exhausted- out of breath, achy. My knee aches, a different part- as if it’s going raw, behind, inside, out- i feel old. Fair enough, it needs to be fixed. Oh but it all aches.
It’s that time of year isn’t it? Two years, Pesach time- I am reminded of my father when I hear melodies flowing from open windows. A piano, a lone violinist practicing his solo. Windows are open all around Tel Aviv and on a serene night, one can stroll block to block to a different melody. Last year, I went to the Wailing Wall to think of my father during his Jahrzeit. I remember there was an eclipse and I was relieved to know there was a moment where nature corresponded with Dad. When I go to the wall tomorrow, I will wonder the same thought; and search for some sort of symbol where I can smile with my fragile ball, protected from my insides. Or not.
I know time will pass once again and all these memorials will fade into the past,but with conversion only weeks away, and all these thoughts of huh’s and whaa’s, my mind is a web of thoughts that I cannot be sure are connected…my body is trying to hold it all together and I am tired. I think the way I feel at this moment I realize the capacity of things I’ve faced and continue to face. A time where the trauma of loss is reflected in the season, during a season where so many families are together and my two families are mourning once again. Loss is a sad, lonely story. I suppose that’s why I am trying to create a different one. The fact of the matter is: it takes every ounce of my body and soul to do it. I just need a soft bed and a back rub at the moment.
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