I’ve been working like a high- tech dog lately. Between work and a tidbit of freelance, my aching Rhomboids and my Teres Major have been nagging at my conscious, asking the never ending question of: what is it all about??
I showed up in Beni Brak, unexpected by my tutor. Ever since the meeting, our trilogy has been out-of-contact. She was surprised to see me, and I’m so used to her that I sat down at the table and we began to talk.. like old hens.
My meeting last week with the “other” Rabbi was intimidating. I’m not big on admitting this, but I have stage fright. Yes yes, the Ginrod is a social creature, -and she’s been in plays, documentaries, short film, spoken word. La La La….anyway, From my history, I have never passed a test, Never spoken in front of a crowd without forgetting my own language (or anything i memorized). I’ve tried a lot of things, but am not necessarily good at anything I do, I am simply a silly girl trying to put words together so people can read them and understand. I’m Trying to get to the point where the breeze envelopes me and I smile and go about my days.
As much as I am a social creature, I freeze. One could imagine how I felt being interviewed for an hour an a half with question after question of my knowledge of something I fell into a couple years before. Last week, I had to rest my stress out.
What am I doing?
What Have I Done?
Is it worth it?
These thoughts are haunting me everyday. I can’t tell you what the next two months are gonna be but they will be something significant.
My tutor and I had some time to pass. “Have you picked a name susi??” she asks me. “No, I can’t decide. I want to do gematria. It’s so ginrod”. “Ok..” she responds, and we start.
If nothing is everything, and my sense is nonsense- Well, I have a lot of nonsense to figure out- because we took 6 different,individual numbers, and found three relevent meanings to them in the time of our meeting. I found my name, that makes sense in every essence possible. We both became like adolescents, she just as excited about my completion as I am. That woman.. knows me. Who would have thought. A haredi woman from Bnei Brak and me, acting like homies on a Monday night.
(please excuse my lack of flo’, I had a couple glasses of wine in celebration of the sun shining for two days straight.)
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