Semantics of life

Since i was 18, when I was forced to take a step back and make decisions that would affect my life, I relied heavily on natural occurrences that would make decisions for me. These occurrences would come in the form of a dream or the way i reacted to a sound of the word.  It seemed completely logical to me and any big decision that was left for me to make, I simply waited for a dream to tell me what I really wanted or if it was a choice, would wait for my gut reaction to the sound of the word.

This is how I explained it to my friends at lunch today. “And that’s why my resume flows nicely, because it just SOUNDS like it flows”. As everyone looked on at me. Bemused smiles as they accepted this totally heinous explanation. I did end up living in Jerusalem, with a young family and a dog named Henck. There is no way my fate brought me here by logic. Not even the way we came to name Henckel makes any real sense.

But i’m a bit of a romantic. And if you just inject a bit of romanticism into your life story, then it makes a bit of sense. And then you are able to remove yourself of ownership of a choice, because it was “just meant to be”, I “had a dream about it”, the sound “made sense”. I used this equation in deciding where i wanted to go to college, what I would study, where I ended up in the Peace Corps, when I met my husband, and even when we bought our first apartment.

“I found our new home” I told my husband excitedly on the phone during a nightly dog walk two years ago. “take this number down it’s totally ours. ”

I was not vexed after a few days to hear that the apartment was way out of our league. I was simply  a bit puzzled. After all, when i saw the place for sale, it just FELT that it was to be ours.

Months later, after witnessing it just sit on the market with no action, i urged The Huzzy to call again. “Make an offer” i excitedly demanded. “what do we have to lose!”. “Don’t you want to look at it first” he questioned me. “I don’t have to! we are meant to live there”.

And so he made an offer, and I didn’t come to look at our new home until it was accepted.

Ok. So i know it’s totally ludicrous to ever pull that kind of shit.

But I’m totally ludicrous, so at least it falls in line with how I roll. And I am pretty sure, I couldn’t stand up in front of random groups of people, telling them my story without a bit of ludicrous.  Because it took a lot of random acts of life to get me here to this point in my life. And it only makes sense if you pour in a cup of dreams, a spoonful of really shitty luck and dashes of risk.

Bear with me. I’m trying to make sense of it all myself, and sum it up in one neatly written blog post.

The point is, I’m at a point where that recipe is no longer effective, because now I’m a wife, a mother, and i own a refrigerator. And now I’m making decisions to uphold the balance of my family. And now these decisions need to make sense, and flow in the fashion of a gnatt chart verses a alcohol-fueled dream from a night of karaoke in a small concrete room in central Thailand.

And i’m having a hard time grasping  this concept. Because a lot of what I’m feeling can’t be put into an excel file.  A lot of the things I want to achieve with my family can’t be measured yet. It can only be measured in hindsight.

The good news is that it snowed on Thursday in Jerusalem. That level of snow was a big deal in the middle east, because we rarely EVER see snow. There were reports of snow in the Negev desert. THAT makes no sense. And Thursday was one of the best days we’ve had as a family. Which is proof that ludicrous may not be so ludicrous after all.

 

Share and Enjoy:
  • Print
  • Digg
  • StumbleUpon
  • del.icio.us
  • Facebook
  • Yahoo! Buzz
  • Twitter
  • Google Bookmarks

Comments

comments

Powered by Facebook Comments

About admin

Germapino with a Jewish Twist. Twist. Collective Thoughts of a Ginrod are the musings of a Texas born,half German, half Filipina girl who who went on a trip to Bangkok and found herself in the Holy Land , as a jew, married to an Englishman, with 3 kids and a pup named Henck.

Comments are closed.

Asynchronous Google Analytics for WordPress plugin powered by WordPress Expert at minilibra.com.