Remembering Tsiki 2012

There is an army training video, that reviews the incident that left Tsiki dead. I know this because every couple months a friend calls me up to let me know they watched it on their reserve service, and that something in that video reminded them of something they already knew.

“It was as if everything HAD to go wrong that that evening to leave Tsiki dead. And it all went wrong”, explains my friend Avram.

In the fall of 2008, a comrade of Tsiki’s shared with me something he had hidden since I met him. He explained to me that they switched shifts that day because Tsiki wanted to get some studying done. It was the night shift and Tsiki figured it would be a quiet night in the watch tower. No one ever suspects an incident will happen. “That fact Susi, changed my life forever, I can’t help but think..” he begins to tell me as we’re driving to another friends wedding.

“Shoulda, woulda, coulda” I say in my Oklahoma accent as I push down those thoughts into the deepest part of my soul and lock it. My key is heavy. My key is strong.

Everything went wrong on Chol Hamoed Pesach 2005. Everything went wrong and it left Tsiki Eyal dead, from friendly fire, on a bridge in Hebron. In Pesach of 2005, I was at the zenith of my existence. I was living my dream in the Peace Corps and madly in love. In one night, all of that was torn from me and I was alone.  That loneliness was the worst pain I could ever feel. Even now, I cower from my memories.  I tell those memories that I’ve done it and I continue to do it. And I hold on tightly to that key.

But where everything in 2005 went wrong, everything had to go right in order for me to live again. After Tsiki died I saw some things I never saw before. I saw heartstrings. They float around in front of us and this is how we connect. People would connect their strings with my dead and lifeless one and infuse me with something bigger than myself. Sometimes it was the daily chore of actually getting out of bed.  It would take Tsiki’s mother’s weak threats to pull me out, connecting her weak string with mine.  And then it grew to going out on my own with Tsiki’s closest friends, their strings floating me through the day, so I could breath in some fresh air and get some sun. From there, it became Hebrew school and making new friends. It became moving out of Tsiki’s family’s home and into my own. It became about making connections and solid friendships and buying dishes. It became about conversion and Visa’s and career. It became about Shabbat dinners and girl’s nights and running naked into the cold Mediterranean Sea. And then it grew to more than I could have ever anticipated, my heart string became healthier and stronger. It became about love and loving David. It became about staying in Israel.

When I found out I was pregnant for the first time, I knew it had to be a boy. My son was born on December 3, 2010, one day after Tsiki Eyal’s birthday on December 2. A Rabbi once told me “There are no coincidences in this world Susi”. I understood that as coincidences are G-d’s way of telling us he’s here, that there is something bigger than us all swimming around us.

This  last year, I’ve been able to see the world through my son’s eyes. My world can get dark and scary and stressful, but my son’s world is bright and beautiful. Everything is big and everything is special and his heart is calm because we protect him with our love. For the first time, I was able to experience Pesach with joy, because not only is Pesach a time where I lost one of the biggest loves of my life, it is also the time that my son discovered the sensation of sand rolling between his toes when a wave splashes over him.

Having a child gave me infinite heart strings. It gave me enough strings to want to reach out to others, I give them out for free now.

 

Share and Enjoy:
  • Print
  • Digg
  • StumbleUpon
  • del.icio.us
  • Facebook
  • Yahoo! Buzz
  • Twitter
  • Google Bookmarks

Comments

comments

Powered by Facebook Comments

About admin

Germapino with a Jewish Twist. Twist. Collective Thoughts of a Ginrod are the musings of a Texas born,half German, half Filipina girl who who went on a trip to Bangkok and found herself in the Holy Land , as a jew, married to an Englishman, with 3 kids and a pup named Henck.

Comments are closed.

Asynchronous Google Analytics for WordPress plugin powered by WordPress Expert at minilibra.com.